….is a powerful emotion. There have been times in my life when shame has so controlled my mind that I have felt like going into a big black cave, with my back against the wall, knees up around my chest I just wanted to hide there. It’s an awful feeling.
I know I’m not alone in my experience. Shame was the first feeling Adam and Eve felt after they ate from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. They immediately wanted to cover up because they realized they were naked and they were ashamed. Then they hid from God. Those are the two things you want to do when you are ashamed: cover up and hide. But we can’t hide, can we? There are too many demands put upon us to really hide, so we go into survival mode and just carry that shame around with us everywhere we go. I can totally relate to someone wanting to become a hermit. ‘I just want everyone to leave me alone’. But that’s not what I really want. What I really want is to be rescued. To be rescued from the hole I’ve dug myself into.
The interesting thing about my story, is that the house where I spent my early years is now occupied by a bona fide hermit. I went to find it and take a picture of it. It was the only house on the street that hadn’t been rebuilt or knocked down. It is an old house. I had many memories of what it looked like when we lived there. There didn’t seem to be anybody in the house, so I tried the door to see if I could get into it. Darn it, it was locked. I so wanted to get in there. I knocked, but not a rustle was heard. We started to walk away from the house when suddenly a neighbour drove up and asked if they could help us. We explained why we were there. They said, there was indeed someone living in there, and they were in there as we spoke. Now that freaked me out. Since that experience, I often think of my life and think wow, that could be me. Leaving my house once a month only to get my groceries.
It could be me if I didn’t have a husband who said to me, “I want you to get up every morning and look in the mirror and say ‘I am not ashamed of myself’.” I started doing that and you know what? It’s working. I feel myself being freed from those messages I have had going around and around in my head. Ya know you get to a certain point in life where you go, yes, there are many things I’m not proud of, but am I going to let that ruin today? I have let it ruin my todays in the past a lot. Unfortunately, I’m not the only one who suffers when I do that. All the people who love me suffer too. I don’t like that.